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�Dear Journal,

�When you were little did you ever realize when you started living? When everything was happy and free. It was like a bird flying freely in the sky. How long is forever? How long can someone love you? I remember my dad. He would make me smile when i cried. He would lay down with me before the first day of school. He would spoil me with stuff when I felt disgusting. I wanna go back to where i felt comfortable with my family where it was quiet and safe. Where I felt what was like heaven? He left me and told me he was going on vacation. My dad is the kindest person you would ever meet. Yet, I never knew he had a dumb side. He lend this woman 80,000 dollars. WHICH IS THE STUPIDIEST FUCKING SHIT I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD. My mom is struggling with money and i dont know what to do. My mom is like superwoman and thats what i admire about her. Yet she can be so weak. Back to the main problem. My dad lend this woman 80,000 dollars for what reason i have no idea. It doesnt make sense do you know what you can do with that money? HE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO SUE HER HE LET HER RUN AWAY WITH THAT MONEY AND SHE NEVER PAID HIM BACK. MY DAD IS SO STUPID BUT I LOVE HIM WITH MY DEAR HEART. Does he love me? i dont know. My mom asked him do you love that woman more than your kids? he didnt say anything I remember when he said briana i love you forever but im not sure now. He probably doesnt care about me and my sister anymore. He thinks im just his daughter from back then. You only have one life to live sweetie dont waste it. I dont wanna have to suffer like my mom. I dont want to live a life like my mom. And im holding back the tears and im scared. Im scared that Im not gonna have a good childhood. Geez its so hard my mom pretends everything's ok but it's not. My dad doesnt care about me i guess he never has I guess.. when he said I love you he didnt mean it.�Im so depressed and I cant even believe this. He doesnt even wanna give my mom money =[ I will surpass my mom I will. Im not gonna have a life like her. Im going to be a future psychologist. And I WILL GET MARRIED AND BE HAPPY.

������������� If my life depended on it, they would let me go. The most valuable has turned their back on me. I am hanging on the rope. My arms are getting tired. There is no ground below me. I watch them walk away as my tears drop down from my toes. I didn’t choose to be here. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to balance all of our feelings. I wanted to understand them all. It was not acceptable. I was thrown away. Left suffering and hanging over a deadly fire. It is time to let go. My end is their beginning.

Skipped Friday entry because all I did was roll LDAP to QA after 5pm, other than that I took the day off.

7:30 - Phone calls started immediately.� Nobody can get into QA.� I knew it was going to happen.� Seems to be an issue with E-Dir sending Usernames in CAPS.

-- Spent the ENTIRE day working on QA LDAP problems.� After having Cartman unblock ports 27366, things got a little easier.

-- Interesting side note, Pegasus gets _really_ fucko when it can't contact its authentication host.

- IWS Perf tests all fucking week long, Cutting LDAP into PROD on Thursday (NIGHTMARE WARNING!!!)

- Floated through the shop and did chmod 777 on /home/trans that's where I'm telling portal admins to drop files as they have to move them around instead of $HOME.� I'm still working on Marriott & Hilton.

Thought / Quote of the day

Do I ever pretend to be something I'm not? If I do, why am I doing it?

Universe entry of the day

Some folks, not having lived perhaps as much as you, endured as much, or loved as much, simply cannot see the truth of a situation, disagreement, or relationship as clearly as you. And so, it's wise to keep in mind, Ed, that it's not their fault.

Can you see this?

-The Universe-

Journal entry of the day

What if we were to stop the excuses and get up 2-3 hours a day earloer than we are right now. Where would we be in 3 years of we did this? So, we've been up since 4 am. Yoga first and then to journaling, maybe later we'll nap for a bit, but right now we are in the top 1% of all income earners in the world. We are up and out and productive!

What's your plan for being in a different place 3, 5 10 years from now?

How can I assist you in that process?

yeah. Sorry im tried I will write 2morrow. bye

�������������� There is no sleep, for days I stay awake. So tired my mind can think. I am lying on my bed, so dizzy. I can't walk straight, keep falling to the ground. I need rest but it's too much effort to fall asleep. I try but�I keep hearing noises. It wakes me up. Some of this noise is not even real, it's in my dream. I difficult time understanding what is real and what is my imagination.

�������������� So much on my mind. I can't let any of this go. Falling asleep is like giving life away. I have to stay awake and I must. As if I am waiting for a very important call. My eyes keep opening I wish I could forget everything. I want so much I can't help being this way. I don't deserve those things I want. And sometimes I think about it. Maybe I am full of darkness. I can't tell if my thoughts are evil or just plain feelings. I never feel as if I am doing it wrong until it is done.

�������������� If this continues I won't make it. I have so much in life but I can't feel the heat. The way I was walking ended, the only way is to walk back. There is nothing else out here. I was so excited to explore the world but�I reached a dead end, for me at least. I walk with you this far but now you must continue your journey with out me. I have reached an edge and only you can walk on air. I am not capable of such power. Go on, don't let me stop you. You have a future, I was meant to stay.

I think that I am going nuts! I can get my mind stright. Nothing but thoughts of her. I just want to get a look at her, but I know that if I see her my heart will blow. I sent her an e-mail about moving the rest of my stuff out of her house, needless to say she has yet to answer the e-mail.

God I miss her, but I know that it'sa not going to work. I HAVE GOT TO MOVE ON!!!!!

We are talking about obsessions which determine the gestures and perceptions of artists throughout a life's work, even when their conscious attention is elsewhere. A kind of bias of the imagination. The way a life's work slips towards a theme which is home for that artist.

John Berger
"Infancy," from Keeping A Rendezvous

"Things worthwhile generally just don't happen. Luck is a fact, but it should not be a factor. Good luck is what is leftover after intelligence and efforts have combined at their best. Negligence or indifference or inattention are usually reviewed from an unlucky seat. The law of cause and effect and causality both work the same with inexorable exactitudes. Luck is the residue of design." - Branch Rickey, quoted from "Little Blue Book"